Day 1 of Year 2 - How bad do you want this??!!

So, it's official. We had our first day of the second year of veterinary school. I've been anticipating and dreading this day this entire summer. However, it completely exceeded my expectations (in a good way). I was reminded again how much I love veterinary school. Though, to be frank, I feel like I have not quite found my niche, but I have found a collective group of people that I think I can interact with in the future as professionals - students who, like myself, have struggled to get into vet school. They are ones who value it so much, they sacrifice so much just to be here.

For example, there's a mother who lives with her daughter near campus while her husband runs their farm 2 hours away. However, she manages to balance being a mom and being a student so that she can pursue her dreams. Then there's another woman who works countless hours to pay for college, has not seen a vacation in years, but does not complain about working even though it can oftentimes take time away from needed studying - all to be in veterinary school. And then there is myself, who struggled so hard and fought so hard to get to this point. I'm even working on saturdays to help pay for school and I'm volunteering as well so that maybe the school will take notice and offer me residency. Again, another opportunity that is NOT guaranteed, but is something I'm hoping will pay off with hard work.

While I may not find the "best friend" here, I know I can find comfort in most of the peers that take pride in being in school with me and don't take this opportunity for granted. It's interesting, I was just reading up on facebook about another classmate who is running the marathon. I find that extremely commendable and highly ambitious - something I could never do. However, her status read "will be training for the marathon - I guess vet school will have to be put on the back burner for now." That to me, means you don't value vet school as a priority. While there is nothing wrong with loving to run, but if you think about it, you're spending upwards of $25 K a year and you want to put vet school on the backburner? It's people like that who make me question what their point in being here is.

I hate to admit things like this, but I do lose respect for them. In addition to those who have connections of parents who already are veterinarians. Maybe it's because of my personal circumstances and the difficulty by which I had to get to this point. My parents are not veterinarians and more over, it took them a while to even digest the idea of me becoming a vet, let alone support my dreams. I know it's not fair of me to judge based on circumstances out of their control, but I also feel like they may not value this experience as much as I do. (I could be wrong) I guess all I know for certain is that I won't be one of those people who fall victim to taking vet school lightly. I get noted by my peers for being overly ambitious or being too "intense," but to me, that's a compliment because it lets others know how passionate I am about it and how determined I am to succeed.

Changing my expectations

So first off, let me start off by saying that we ended up not keeping the foster kitten, Gigi. Initially, we were very serious about making her a permanent addition to our home. However, it turned out that she was becoming more difficult to train (i.e. out of hand play biting) and we just didn't think it would be fair for us or her to keep her because we didn't have the time in our lives to properly train her. I think at this point in our lives, as selfish as it sounds (and indeed it is very selfish, but honest at least) we just don't have the time to devote to constantly playing with the kitten as well as training her like we would like to.

On a positive note, we did find out that the boyfriend (who had never had prior exposure to kittens or animals for that matter) would definitely be open to any furry additions down the line. Just not now.

Anyhow, as the second year is fast approaching and my summer is speeding away, I'm beginning to feel the nervousness that had entered my stomach and mind the days leading up to 1st year. I've been preparing for this moment all summer - telling myself that I can't do what I did last year. I can't drive myself to the ground in memorization. Instead, I told myself I'm going to learn as much as I can and really try to understand the material. Over the summer, as I shadowed my GOAL-E mentor, an internal medicine specialist, I discovered how much I didn't know. Yes, I'm not supposed to know as much as they do, but I just felt completely empty in the head - as if I were starting from square one. It actually seemed like I never experienced first year. But I know that everything will come in time and that I did learn a lot. This term, my goal is sit up in the front, absorb as much as I can, and really try to retain things and understand it all.

My boyfriend and I struggle, I think, with trying to be the best and trying to chase after success, but in the end, what matters is that you're enjoying the moment and the journey. Otherwise, I think when we try to define our lives by the end point and our expectations of how things will turn out, we're going to be sorely disappointed. I can't spend 2nd year expecting perfect grades because that will only lead me down the path of disappointment. Not to mention that perfect grades are not synonymous with knowledge and being a good vet. I'm going to make a conscious effort to enjoy the fact that I worked my ass off to get here to this point and that I should be happy that I've made it this far. The boyfriend always reminds me that I spent 3+ years just to even apply to vet school (not even knowing if I would get in or not), but I did get accepted (and to an awesome school); and I need to credit myself for that in addition to enjoying the success I've had thus far and will continue to have. I want to be the best veterinarian I can be all the while finding joy in every day that I am pursuing this dream.

We foster our first kitten!

So..I know much has elapsed since my last post and now, but if you don't know already, a vet student's life is overwhelming and busy to say the least. So forgive me if you experience a huge hiatus in my posts as I am probably inundated with tests and cramming loads of information into what little memory space I have left in my brain.

However, now that I have the summer to reload, I've taken on the role as foster mom to a 3 1/2 week old orphan kitten. She's a black and white DMH (domestic medium hair). Since my boyfriend has never owned any pets in the past, and there's no way I can live the rest of my life without owning any animals, I thought I'd wean him onto the idea of animals in the house by first fostering one. Also, it would help me become more comfortable around cats. I know what you're thinking -- how can a future veterinarian not be comfortable around cats? Well, I love them and I love the nice ones, but I think I really need to understand them as a species (by having one of my own) so that I can familiarize myself with them and not be so anxious when it comes to handling them or restraining them for that matter. I think I've seen too many fractious cats in my day that I sometimes doubt my ability to handle them well. I'm sure it didn't help that in my first days as a vet tech, I got severely bit by a cat that I nearly fainted and the wound left a huge bruise on my hand. Luckily it was not life-threatening, but boy did that throw me for a loop and shake my confidence in my cat handling abilities in addition to my comfort level with them.

Anyways, so here we are now with a kitten in our hands -- a beautiful, talkative, playful kitten that loves to be around us. In fact, she follows me around so much that I had to keep putting her back in her carrier (pseudo bed) to get her used to the idea that that is where she will be sleeping. I love her personality and the way she romps around the apartment. Though I question having a permanent animal (because I've never officially had a pet of my own, I've only been a semi-parent to my sister's chihuahua, Stoli, whom I did grow extremely attached to), I can't bear the idea of fostering her and then releasing her back to the shelter. Don't get me wrong, I am all about organizations like the Animal Humane Society, and I'm sure they would take great care of her, but of course there is no better home than an actual home. So we'll play it by ear. For now, we're enjoying her company, her loud purrs, her sweet, talkative personality, and her adorable mannerisms.

The Animal Humane Society asked us to name her and we settled on Jiji -- named after a cat in an animated movie ("Kiki's Delivery Service) by one of our favorite film-makers. As of this moment, she's sleeping, but it'll soon be feeding time (again) and then more play time. Mind you, she has to eat at least every 3 hours. It's constant work, but worth it to know that I was able to save her from being euthanized if nobody was able to pick her up today for foster-care.

semester 2 day 3

Though I should have begun this blog on day 1 of veterinary school, it never really occurred to me share my thoughts on school.  For one, I'm not big on exposing myself and two, I wasn't sure who would care to read it except maybe my boyfriend. In any case, I thought 'what a neat way to share your thoughts on school' and hopefully others who are contemplating if veterinary school is for you may gain insight into what I deal with.  This isn't to say that your experiences will exactly mimic mine, but hopefully you can really see what goes on back there behind these huge auditorium doors and formaldehyde infested dissection/lab rooms.  

I can honestly say that school has really surprised me.  I've always assumed it would be difficult, but it's another thing to be in the midst of all the chaos trying to find your bearings and what works best for you -- trying to find the time to balance a social life and still learn as much as you can and do well in school.  I have to admit while the general motto among veterinary students is: C = DVM, I think that's crap.  Who wants to be just average and strive for mediocrity?  I understand what the school is trying to tell you:  don't worry about grades because you want to be a balanced student.  Learn, but don't just chase the grades.  I agree with that, but I also feel like you should strive for the best continuously in everything you do otherwise what's the point?  I think that's also why I tend to be very competitive and very hard on myself.  Those of you who are perfectionists and competitive know what I mean.  This explains why even after getting only one B my first semester in veterinary school, I still think about it to this moment and it haunts me. I'm constantly reminded to think about all the things I've done well thus far, it makes sense to really embrace my good grades, but it can be difficult when you're striving for perfection or greatness.  

Another thing that's difficult to handle is when you make mistakes.  Yes, nobody is perfect, especially not I.  I know I'm not a genius (unfortunately)...I have to work hard for my grades.  I guess that is why I get really hard on myself when I am constantly surrounded by very smart people and they can comprehend things that may take longer for you.  Or sometimes you may answer a question incorrectly when a majority of the class knew the answer.  It's moments like those when your ego takes a plunge and you really have to pick yourself back up and remind yourself that you are among the elite chosen.  You're not stupid, you're just in the process of learning.  Everyday I learn to be humble and admit to myself that I am capable of mistakes -- that I need to let go of my pride and realize that in order for growth and learning, I need to accept that I do not know everything.  It doesn't mean that I'm not bright, I just don't know everything. 

Maybe some of you who struggle with these same situations will find comfort in knowing that you're not alone...that's one of my goals for this blog in addition to just helping me really sort though my thoughts and become a better individual and as a result, a better veterinarian.  

Whoever said that veterinary school was easy is lying.  It's not.  I'll show you that it can be done even if you sometimes FEEL like you're not "the shiniest star out there."  You can be an awesome veterinarian regardless and I'm determined to prove it to myself and to you.